How do Muslims go about choosing a
spouse
Question: Do Muslims date? If they
don't, how do they decide whom to marry?
Answer: "Dating"
as it is currently practiced in much of the world does not
exist among Muslims. Young Muslim
men and women (or boys and girls) do not enter into one-on-one intimate
relationships, spending time alone together, "getting to know each
other" in a very deep way before deciding whether that's the person they
will marry. Rather, in Islam pre-marital relationships of any kind
between members of the opposite sex is forbidden.
Why?
The choice of a marriage partner is one
of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It
should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It
should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer,
careful investigation, and family involvement.
How do potential spouses meet?
First of all, Muslim youth develop very close
friendships with their same-sex peers. This "sisterhood" or
"brotherhood" that develops when they are young continues throughout
their lives, and serves as a network to become familiar with other families.
When a young person decides to get married, the following steps often take
place:
•
The young person makes du'a
for Allah to help him or her find the right person.
•
•
The family enquires, discusses, and
suggests candidates from among the network of people that they know. They
consult with each other to narrow down potential prospects. Usually the father
or mother approaches the other family to suggest a meeting.
•
•
If the young couple and their
families agree, the couple meets in a chaperoned, group environment. Umar
related that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Not one of
you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram)."
The Prophet also reportedly said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman,
Satan is the third among them." When young people are getting to know each
other, being alone together is a temptation toward wrongdoing. At all times,
Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an (24:30-31) to "lower
their gaze and guard their modesty...." Islam recognizes that we are
human and are given to human weakness, so this rule provides safeguards for our
own sake.
•
•
If the couple seems compatible, the
families may investigate further - talking with friends, family, Islamic
leaders, co-workers, etc. to learn about the character of the potential spouse.
•
•
Before making a final decision, the
couple prays salat-l-istikhara
(prayer for guidance) to seek Allah's help and guidance.
•
•
The couple agrees to pursue
marriage or part ways. Islam has given this freedom of choice
to both young men and women - they cannot be forced into a marriage that they
don't want.
This type of focused courtship helps ensure the strength of
the marriage, by drawing upon family elders' wisdom and guidance in this
important life decision. Family involvement in the choice
of a marriage partner helps assure that the choice is based not on romantic notions,
but rather on a careful, objective evaluation of the compatibility of the
couple. That is why these marriages often prove successful in the long-term.
